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On billboards, on bumper stickers, on posters, in shop window displays, on T-shirts--we've all seen them. These enigmas stare out at us and puzzle us for long minutes. What do they mean? More to the point, why did someone put them out in public, in large print, without consulting a good editor first? Here, in this space, I would like to conduct a wholesale dissection of...

Ambiguous Billboard Philosophy

Happiness is not pleasure--it is victory.
Seen on a calendar. Meant to be inspirational. Highly confusing. Two possible conflicting interpretations: does the writer of this sentence mean, "Pleasure is not happiness. VICTORY is happiness.", or are we meant to read it as, "Happiness is not only pleasurable, it is victorious."? Please advise, o calendar philosopher.

No Gods
No Masters
Bumper sticker. Again, we can interpret this in two entirely different ways, which greatly weakens the would-be revolutionary's message. Does this mean, "We don't want any gods, and we don't want any masters either"--the sort of atheist-anarchist statement? Or does it mean, "If we had no gods, we would have no masters"? And is that a good thing? Is it a quietly devout religious statement, or a Marxist observation on the tyranny of religion? We just don't know.
Steve's interpretation: did they mean to blast that Brendan Fraser/Ian McKellan movie, and simply get the title wrong? Should it really read "No Gods, No Monsters, No More Damned Artsy Oscar Movies"? Teehee...

Fame is proof that people are gullible.
This is from a sign outside a cleaning-and-carpeting contractor's office, or something similar. They like to use their would-be advertising space for Deep Thoughts. I have the feeling they will provide me with rich material for this page in the months to come. This sentence is a good example, for the simple reason that it is totally fallacious. Are they saying that no celebrity's fame is deserved? Since Einstein was famous, does that make us gullible, and him a fraud? What the author of this phrase probably means is that UNDESERVED fame--such as that of the Backstreet Boys or any given 'Baywatch' star--is proof that an awful lot of people are gullible. But there is such a thing as earned recognition, and admiring someone who is truly admirable is not any indication of gullibility.

Time is a river without banks.
Printed on the inside of a chocolate wrapper. Yes, and it's also a river without water, so that follows, doesn't it?

Peace of mind starts at Wildwood Cemetery.
Spotted on a billboard near Williamsport, PA. No comment necessary...

Please send me any other Stupid Philosopher Tricks that you see in public, and we'll take the editorial knife to them with glee!